—beauty that must die
i keep trying to write about being alone and being okay with being alone but not in a self-righteous or single girl’s war cry but where my sexuality and monogamy exclusively apply to myself. i am capable of thinking of others but i’ve spent so long surviving by putting myself first whenever i try to force myself to go through the motions of dating it feels alien and is more harmful than anything.
as always it would be amazing if i met someone who like - got it - and like was ok with the fact that i’m hot and cold but but like basically i feel like i’m having extramarital affairs bc i’m so about me
when i tried to pinpoint where things went wrong for me in the last two yrs and i think “i lost sight of myself, i forgot what was important” and it’s like i never want to go to that place again.
i feel like homer in that ep where he learns he’s gonna have a baby when he quits his job and he’s like “do it for her” except her is me. i gotta do things 100% for myself.
i talked to someone who i used to hang out with and asked why they never wanted to do the forever thing with me and he said i didn’t seem like the sort of person who was into forever with anyone but myself and i wasn’t even mad bc it’s true and at 25 i realize how much crucial it is that i stay intuitive and do what feels right and not what like
what other people want or what my mom wants or what i think everyone wants or be upset because i’m not keeping up bc i’m not in a race and even if i was i would totally walk
i wish “getting your life together” was exactly how it sounded and you just collect the pieces together and assemble your life. i’m pretty sure my life is a room with legos on the floor and i’ve been trying to pick them up in pitch dark, stepping on them.
